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Controversial Opinions While We Still Have Free Speech Jan. 31, 2026
The words "constitutional crisis" get thrown around plenty, but, well. It's just that the outlook ap... Read More
The Best Terrible Decision I Ever Made Jan. 26, 2026
The most important decision of my life — the one that's had the biggest impact — I made ... Read More
What A Year This Month Has Been Jan. 24, 2026
What do you mean it's still January? From Minneapolis to Venezuela to Greenland, a year's worth of c... Read More
Deploying to the War on Protein Jan. 17, 2026
Mother, why do you gaze out the window so forlornly? Because your father has gone to fight in the wa... Read More
Stars of an Arabian Night Jan. 12, 2026
I was speaking in a Middle Eastern country shortly after 9/11. The people were friendly. The food wa... Read More
The First Three Laws of Travel Jan. 09, 2026
I was at the massive Temple at Luxor, where the pharaohs were crowned. The 3,500-year-old columns to... Read More
Instead of Resolutions, Try the Reset Method Jan. 03, 2026
Allow me, a moderately cluttered person whose Christmas tree may still be up by next Festivus, to es... Read More
Affirmations From a T.J. Maxx Price Sticker Dec. 27, 2025
Dear journal, I, a T.J. Maxx price sticker, will know my own value, not just the value of name-brand... Read More
Merry Christmas, Except for the Hungry, Poor and Sick Dec. 20, 2025
The holidays always bear a certain layer of heaviness. That's why so many people try to tap into the... Read More
The Wedding Almost Everyone Forgot Dec. 19, 2025
The first time Rosie and I got married, things just seemed to fall into place. Our guests all loved ... Read More
Marco Rubio, Have You Considered Comic Sans? Dec. 13, 2025
Marco Rubio, secretary of state, has taken a brave stance on a prudent matter ripping at the fabric ... Read More
Songs for Creating Demons Dec. 12, 2025
Not to plug my new supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon," but you may... Read More
Add to Cart! Don't Stop Now! Dec. 06, 2025
Happy Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Buy Now Pay Later Sunday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday,... Read More
McCarthy Was Totally Misunderstood, Bro Nov. 29, 2025
It is hereby the official position of Florida's State Board of Education that Joseph McCarthy was ac... Read More
Will Licking Ruin the Friendship? Nov. 22, 2025
I almost never check work email on a Saturday, but I must have known deep down that a sitcom script ... Read More
The Dream Monstrosity Nov. 21, 2025
Want to buy a house? It's in a great neighborhood. In walking distance of excellent schools. It's th... Read More
These Fifth Graders Have Wise Opinions Nov. 15, 2025
I will speak to almost any room about the miracle of local news. However, one annual event strikes f... Read More
Down With Light Bites Nov. 08, 2025
I get the same question at every cocktail event. When I kindly wave off a cater waiter circling with... Read More
My Favorite Dental Appointment Nov. 07, 2025
If you asked people where they were and what they were doing when they had the first experience they... Read More
An Ode to the Perfect Ride Nov. 01, 2025
A humble roller coaster exists, a sacred jewel of a ride that we as a culture don't talk about enoug... Read More
