Over the past few years many couples have been forced to downsize their plans for a large wedding and reception, while other couples have always preferred the intimacy of a smaller wedding. Whatever reason you and your betrothed have, it isn't always easy to keep the crowd small and intimate, and eloping MAY not be an option for you. Before you start looking for a venue, make a preliminary list of who you want at the wedding ... and then label it using A, B, C and D. Never let anyone on your lists know about this preliminary list in order to avoid any hurt feelings if they are not ultimately invited.

"A" is your Must-Haves, such as your parents, siblings, your bridal party and your closest friends. "B" should include the folks you would really like to have there, the ones you've been close to while growing up, like grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and you really hope they can make it. "C" should include your extended relatives, high school or college friends that you've remained GOOD friends with, co-workers (only if the office is small and friendly), and your parents' neighbors that they are friends with and who probably watched you grow up. "D" would consist of people like those distant relatives you really don't see much of, your parents' co-workers and your sports buddies.

Remember that this preliminary list is just to get an idea. Set a budget and decide who is paying for the wedding (what percentage if it is shared); usually the one who pays gets a little more say in the final plans. Once you have both a minimum and maximum number of guests, start checking out the venues to make sure that they fit the budget and can accommodate the number of guests you have in mind. Now that you've booked a venue or arranged for a backyard and party rental (tables, tent, etc.), you can finalize your invitation list.

Generally, the list is divided, with 30% selected by each spouse's parents and 30% by the bridal couple, especially if both sets of parents are contributing to the wedding. If the bridal couple is paying for most or all, then it's 50% the couple, and 25% each side of parents; if there are stepparents involved, then that side splits the 25%. Let your parents know the maximum number of people they can invite and if there are any ground rules, such as no children or plus-ones.

If you have to start cutting down your guest list, begin with those people you haven't spoken to in a year or more, delete plus-ones (plus-ones should be included if they are married, engaged or living together as a couple), delete co-workers (bring some cake or doughnuts in for a mini-party at work), and ask parents to include only their friends that you know. Never invite someone assuming they won't come anyway; they might. If you have long-distance friends or relatives, or potential invitees that might have children they need to get babysitters for, speak to them candidly and let them know you would not be insulted if they choose not to come.

You don't have to invite people who sent you an unsolicited engagement gift, but you should include those who attended an engagement party or a bridal shower. If you invite some children but not all (i.e., those of close relatives or members of the bridal party), then you should explain why to those whose children are not included. Finally, as COVID-19 is such an unsure thing right now, if any of your guests would not be willing to meet the requirements of the venue, like wearing masks, temperature checks, etc., then don't feel obligated to include them. It's easier if you first use the A-B-C-D labels on the list so you can begin cutting with the D-list.

Never count on wedding gifts to pay for the affair; with the average wedding cost per guest, most gifts will not make up the difference. If you are getting married in the warmer months you may consider an outdoor wedding in a family backyard or a local park (with a permit), but be sure to have a backup plan in case of rain. Your house of worship, social fraternities or local firehouse could be an inexpensive venue for a smaller crowd. No matter what venue you choose, remember that the guest list isn't what makes a happy marriage; it's the couple in love.